Thinking about Father's Day, hence fathers, this morning brought back memories of a letter I had written to my Dad a number of years ago.
I wrote the letter for me, my Dad had passed a number of years earlier. there was always something i wanted to say, and hadn't. the letter was triggered by the movie, "Field of Dreams".
There's a scene where the Kevin Costner character first talks with his father for the first time. Costner asks his father if he'd like to plat catch. i have no memory of ever playing catch with my Dad.
Actually, I have no memory of playing anything with my Dad. He was a pretty serious guy. He didn't learn to play until
This letter isn't something I normally share - it feels like time.
I love you. When everything else I write here is said and done, that is the essence of what I want to say. And, there is something else I feel a deep need to express.
It was sad for me last night to realize that I don’t think we ever really talked in our whole life together. I mean really sat down and had a deep conversation. I never found out who you really where.
I was only able to see you through such a small window of who I thought you were. I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like you – the you I thought you were. We never had a chance. Neither of us knew how to see each other differently.
If we could sit down today and talk, more than anything else I would want you to know that I know that you loved me. You didn’t know how to show it any better than I knew how to accept what you gave me as love.
Because I thought you didn’t love me, I thought that meant I didn’t deserve to be loved. How special could someone be whose own father didn’t love them?
Neither of us knew how to say what we really felt for each other. We each thought the other didn’t love him. What a cost – that simple inability to express what we feel.
I thought you weren’t pleased with me because so many of your words to me were pointing out what you didn’t like. I couldn’t get past the hurt to know that the only reason you brought these things up was because of how much you did love me. I now know the truth. I’ve learned a lot from you throughout my life. My strengths today have come from you.
All I really needed from you was to know that you cared – I know that now. I also know how important it is to let people know now how much I care and what I feel. Perhaps even more important, is to show how I care and what I feel with my actions as well as my words.
When I feel hurt by someone I’ll express my feelings to allow them to express theirs. I was not true to myself through most of my life. I’m learning how to now dad, a little bit each day. Today I learned how much I really do love you, and how much you really did love me.